The kind of March Madness that keeps sports fans glued to the television; swearing, cheering, pleading, praying, and circling or etching out names on a printed tournament sheet like a bunch of drunk septuagenarian bingo ladies.
|I have to admit, looking back, that this Duke team appeared|
more likable than my UNLV Running Rebels.
March, for most people, sucks to your assmar. It's a transitional month. Plants aren't quite blooming yet, but their annoying pollens are everywhere. March isn't cold enough to snow or warm enough to go swimming. And in my corner of the world it rains every time a guy thinks thinks about sex (every seven seconds or so).
The month is so depressing that schools typically give a break at the end of the month, almost like a reprieve for surviving three whole weeks of its existence. Spring Break gives us a little time to stop and smell the roses that in most areas haven't started blooming yet.
|"What a shame when perfectly fit white boys|
have to put minotaur hats on to feel good."
But hasn't there been college basketball for months? Didn't the new golf season start? Didn't the NBA just have its All-Star game? Hasn't there been plenty of "sports" to keep you preoccupied?
Oh, please. That's like trying to appease a heroin addict with a Red Bull. We need our hit, like we need our top seed to hit their free throws. So instead of judging that March Madness fanatic; treat them with respect by honoring what March Madness really means, because it means so much more than basketball:
*It means validation. Your sports fan doesn't just casually watch sports, he/she is invested. The March Madness College Basketball Fan, or MMCBF, has stats, visual evidence, and trends that support his/her picks. Remember that lifetime of learning commitment on your university's mission statement? This is it in action.
*It's not gambling, it's insider trading. You know how the rich get richer? They have knowledge about stocks that we don't have. March Madness isn't a slot machine, or a scratch ticket, or a luck of the draw...it's playing blackjack with Rainman. How do I know that Wisconsin will lose in the second round? Simple, they always do (except for in 2012, 2011, 2008, 2005, 2003, and 2000 which were all anomalies). With this vast knowledge of numbers, trends and match-ups, not investing money would be the crime.
*It's feel good TV. Maybe you didn't see Butler get to the Final Four two years in a row. THE BUTLER BULLDOGS! Their entire enrollment is less than the value of my 13-year-old Honda Civic. And anyone who owns a 2001 Honda Civic knows how overvalued those little peasant go-carts are (even if they do run forever). Who doesn't like a Cinderella story? And in this fairy tale version, Cinderella gets to send the evil step-sisters home crying.
|Even Bill Walton's pseudo-|
intellectual blathering doesn't demean
his non-biased announcing. He
hates UCLA...and he's a graduate!
*It's revenge towards annoying co-workers. The drudgery of work is only compounded by the fact that Lisa, the woman who knits during meetings, won the last NCAA tournament bracket. Lisa is by far the luckiest person alive. She picked her teams by judging the stitch complexities of each mascot logo. Even though Lisa is the nicest person alive, you physically hate her for winning based on thread counts, when so much actual skill goes into picking an NCAA victor.
*We get to substantiate our cable television subscription. See, this is why I have the TruTV channel (not because I secretly like Impractical Jokers). Now I get to watch an ENTIRE DAY of high intensity sports games. It also reinforces the necessity of my blood pressure medication.
So go ahead, and complain that its just another sports diversion, and we March Madness fans are shallow entertainment slobs. But I think it shows the empathy-filled, investment savvy, justifiably angry over injustice, value conscious, loyal, and well-informed, well-rounded fanatics we really are.
Of course, Julius Caesar was a well-rounded man who brought peace, prosperity, happiness, and unity to the people of Rome, and the Senate stabbed him in back for his ambition.
Don't be a Brutus. Enjoy March Madness.